Amusing Stories and Anecdotes to brighten your day

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.  ~Victor Hugo

Updated 5th May 2013

Religious Humour
 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mum asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mum was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mum asked him what that morning's lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute..The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "God save the Queen"
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!





 
Reminder for those of you who may have forgotten!!!

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?  

        (written by kids)          

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  
--  Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  
--  Kristen, age 10  

2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. 
--  Camille, age 10 
3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE AREMARRIED?  
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--  Derrick, age 8  

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN  COMMON?  
Both don't want any more kids.   
--  Lori, age 8 

5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  
--  Lynnette, age 8    (Isn't  she a treasure?)

On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--  Martin, age 10  

6.   WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?   
When they're rich.  
--  Pam, age 7  (Love her!)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
--  Curt, age 7
 
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do.   
--  Howard, age 8  

7.  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  
It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them. 
--  Anita, age 9   (Bless you, child!) 

8.  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? 
-- Kelvin, age 8  

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9.   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?   
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10   

When Insults Had Class
 
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one." -
 
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
 
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Geoff Thompson
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . For support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

For the Intellectuals
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless..

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Subject: PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a  bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its  backside.  '

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
 
1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out
 
Put your tongue back in fool.
 
10 Things we know about you...
 
1)  U are reading this
 
2)  U are human.
 
3)  U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
 
4)  U just attempted to do it
 
6)  U are laughing at yourself
 
7)  U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
 
8)  U just checked to see if there is a No.5
 
9)  U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does  it too.
 
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls  for it
 

Student answers

History
In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.

Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak.

Sir Walter Raliegh circumcised the world with a big clipper.
Maths
The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that plus santa on his slay.
History
Sometimes in the war they take prisoners and keep them ostiges until the war is over. Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.
Religious Studies
A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed.
Geography
The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to Frace on a train or you can go on a fairy.

In Scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway ant the Lapdancers come from Lapland.
The Arts
…… and at the end of the show we all sing away in the manager.

In last years Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat the year.
Science
Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover.

Children  Are Quick
  TEACHER:  Why are you late?
  STUDENT:  Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John,  why are you doing your math multiplication on the  floor?
  JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
  TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
  GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
  DONALD:  H I J K L M N O.
  TEACHER:  What are you talking  about?
  DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie,  name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
  WINNIE:  Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
  GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.  '
  MILLIE:  I is..
  TEACHER:  No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
  MILLIE:  All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George  Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,  but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his  father didn't punish him?
  LOUIS:  Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER:  Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before  eating?
  SIMON:  No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde ,  your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your  brother's.. Did you copy  his?
  CLYDE  : No, sir. It's the same  dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking  when people are no longer  interested?
  HAROLD:  A teacher
__________________________________

Due  to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned  off.

Some amusing puns

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because shecouldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.


QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 
GREAT TRUTHS


1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
Engineering solution???
(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )
 
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.
 
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
 
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
 
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
 
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
 
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
 
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
 
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

How the Internet Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name
of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an
immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at thetop price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures- Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, BrotherWilliam of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, BrotherWilliam of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is beingtaken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of
Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they
named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,study your Bible a little,nd get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment,decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad,I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair,John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair,and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

 "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
25th November 2011

Puns for Educated Minds
 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-t eller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it 's your count that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
 
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
 
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.
 
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

24th October 2011
If Tommy Cooper were alive today  

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

20th October 2011
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

20th August 2011

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat
shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back: "Manchester United.”

And they say blondes are dumb.

4th June 2011
Subject: Male logic

A wife asked her husband :
"Could you please go shopping for me and get one carton of milk, and if they have any eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband came back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, " Because they had eggs."

Makes perfect sense to me.

26th May 2011
CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW   

This it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
 
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
 
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
 
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

26th April 2011

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!! 

Actual call center conversations!

Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
                       can you help?'
Operator:      'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that   
                      I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  
                     telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                      number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Motoring Services
Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                     traveling in  Australia ?'
Operator:     'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in  Europe )
                     'If I register my car in  France , and then take it to  England ,
                      do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Inquiries
Caller:            'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator:      'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller:             'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in  Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                             you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:                  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
                             So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ..'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:        'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                         Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                         the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                         plugged into the wall..
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                         there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                          find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                          the back of your computer..'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:               'No..'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:               'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                          coming in from the window.'
Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:              'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it  
                           licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and  
                           packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it  
                           up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
                           the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:           'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

11th April 2011
A SENIOR MOMENT: I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1.. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU
PROUD!)

23rd March 2011
Subject: Proverbs
A primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by 6 year-olds.

Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch an older boy.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company,three's...................... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to
blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on thebox.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

17th March 2011
As they say, 'The old one's are the best!'     
   
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the      doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'  Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the  kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
     
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the spital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from hischair. '
Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure...'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
rritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs...
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art... It's perfect.
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You'rereally doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

    
Updated 7th March 2011
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of  Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever  leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever  having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of  Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or Ebay as it came to  be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"  said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began. And now you know the truth !

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, BBC, Channel 4, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Insurance Man wants to buy Mom ....'

On some air bases of the American  Air Force are on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, 'What time is it?'
 

The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'
 
The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it make?'
 
The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of difference.. .
If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock .
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. 'Yours is.'
 
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
 
'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'

Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!'
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
 
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
 
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

These  are being sent partly to introduce a  word that is rather  unheard of - paraprosdokian. Paraprosdokian sentences are figures of speech that use an  unexpected ending to a series or phrase. 

I asked God  for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a  bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Do not argue  with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a  garage makes you a car
.
The last  thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the  list.

Light travels  faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright  until you hear them speak.
If I agreed  with you we'd both be wrong.  

We never  really grow up, we only learn how to act in  public.

War does not  determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is  knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a  fruit salad.

The early  bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese.

Evening news  is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell  you why it isn't.

To steal  ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is  research.

A bus station  is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one  careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole  box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train  people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay  checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't  need it.

Whenever I  fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,  notify:" I put "DOCTOR".  

I didn't say  it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does  someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  

Women will  never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a  bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.

Why do  Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50  for Miss  America ?  

Behind every  successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man  is usually another woman.  

A clear  conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not  need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive  twice.

The voices in  my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it  back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.  

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live  with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.  

Some cause  happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go.
 
There's a  fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't  get away.

I used to be  indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 

I always take  life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of  tequila.

When tempted  to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually  uses water.

You're never  too old to learn something stupid.  

To be sure of  hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the  target.

Nostalgia  isn't what it used to be.  

Some people  hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination  whatsoever.

A bus is a  vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when  you are in  it.

Change is inevitable,  except from a vending machine.   
   
Here is some fun with anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:  
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS 

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
 
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


you may have seen before but ................

 No matter how many times I see this, I never fail to giggle.


 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
 and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
 taken down and now published by court reporters that had the
 torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
 taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
 morning?
 WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at
 all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
 you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in
 his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
 Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a bea
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a femal
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
 deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed
 on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a
 fight.
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did
 you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
 check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
 when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
 nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
 and practicing law.
 _________________________________________

They're Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer / Conference includes  meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon  tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get  rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your  husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile  at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much  about you.
---------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
 
Why, Why, Why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
 ------------------------------------------
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
---------------------------------------------
Why does someone Believe  you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
 ---------------------------------------------
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
------------------------------------------------
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
-----------------------------------
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 ---------------------------------------------------
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
If people evolved from apes,Why are there still apes?
 -----------------------------------
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
 --------------------------------
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something  new to eat will have materialized?
----------------------------------------------------------
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light  fixtures?
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
 -------------------------------------------------------------------
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
 ----------------------------------------------------
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 -----------------------------------------------------
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.           

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:


Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls ..
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.  
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..
Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.
The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
The Olympic Flame - He never goes oot

Subject: quotable quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. 
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
 George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
 Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist' s diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.



May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
 
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:  It goes on"  
Robert Frost


These are actual comments made by 16 American Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around The States:
                       
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
                       
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
                       
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
                       
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
                       
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  
                       
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
                       
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
                       
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
                       
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
                       
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
                       
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
                       
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime Information Center )
                       
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
                       
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
                       
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
                       
AND THE WINNER IS....
                       
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Some Amusing Adverts on Vans etc
 
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'


In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'


On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

At a Tire Shop in  Mareeba

'Invite us to your next blowout.'             

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome!  Dog food is expensive!'

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be.'

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

And don't forget the sign at a
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'


A farmer named Tam was checking his herd in a remote mountain in the Scottish Highlands, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him at high speed.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Tam looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
Email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Tam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Tam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Scottish Government", says Tam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

Wonderful English from Around the World
 
In a Bangkok  temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge,  Norway   :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok   :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi  restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi  :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo  bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel,  Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel,  Japan   :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow  hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's  Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich  :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides,  Thailand   :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office Copenhagen   :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 
 


Updated 29th March 2010

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.  No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.  You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach , California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his syphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


for the military minded
Subject: military aviation wisdom

 
WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-
________________________________
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -
________________________________
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -
_______________________________
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-
________________________________
'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-
________________________________
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
________________________________
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -
________________________________
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
________________________________
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-
________________________________
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-  (an SR71 was a very high speed high altitude reconnaissance plane)
________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
________________________________
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
________________________________
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
________________________________
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
________________________________
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
________________________________
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
________________________________
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
________________________________
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
________________________________
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
________________________________
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'  The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
 
One for computer buffs INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as  Romance 9.5 and  Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
# NBA 5..0,
# NFL 3.0
# Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,but to no avail.What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while  Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2,and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Windbreaking and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0

(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program.This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory andcannot learn new applications quickly..

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend
# Cooking 3.0
# Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support



22nd January 2010

 Grandparent quotes from  grandchildren

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'   I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!

 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a  pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'  I mentally  polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor..  She told him she was writing a story.  'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied.  'I can't read.

 7.. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

 8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from  attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'  'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised..  'Mine says I'm four to six.'

 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today.'   The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  'That's  interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

 11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a  public servant,' said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

 12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.  'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck .'   A third child brought the argument to a close.  'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!'>

 WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

 Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.  They like other people's.

 A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

 Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.  They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

 When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

 They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

 They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

 Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

 They can take their teeth and gums out.

 Grandparents don't have to be smart.

 They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

 When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

 Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

 They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

 A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE  AIRPORT..'' 

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

 It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Here are some more observations noted by the public that may make you smile?

#1 My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

#2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR  made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Garador repair since.

Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford, UK

#3 I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK

 #4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxhey, Herts, UK

#5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your Knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport, UK

#6 The stoplight on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I  was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeping was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK

#7 When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire, UK.


PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 Q. Name the four seasons

 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

 A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 Q. How is dew formed

 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

 A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

 Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 Q. What are steroids

 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

 Q. What happens to your body as you age

 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery 

 Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

 A. Premature death

 Q. What is artificial insemination

 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

 A. Keep it in the cow                                    (Simple, but brilliant)

 Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U                        (What the *!!*???)

 Q. What is the fibula?

 A. A small lie

 Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

 A. Nearby

 Q. What is the most common form of birth control

 A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium   (That would work)

 Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 Q. What is a seizure?

 A. A Roman Emperor.        (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 Q. What is a terminal illness

 A. When you are sick at the airport.      (Irrefutable)

 Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

 A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

 Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                              (OMG)

 Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

  Q. What is a turbine?

 A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre..
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away..
 
Number Two Idiot

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them..
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank..

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either, have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at. the Bank of Queensland .

Number Four Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer..
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him..

At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk..
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag...

The robber then ran from the store with his loot..
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later..

Number Five Idiot

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just  throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run..
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.. The. brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass...

The whole event was caught on videotape.. Perth WA .

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
 
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne .
 
JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it..
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'

Subject:

FW: rocket scientist

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Here is a selection of answers from the popular quiz shows


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:
 Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 
Contestant:
 Geography isn't my strong point.
 
Jamie Theakston:
 There's a clue in the title.
 
Contestant:
 Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
 
Stewart White:
 Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know.
 
Stewart White:
 I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
 
Contestant:
 Arm
 
Stewart White:
 Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
 
Contestant:
 Strong.
 
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
 
Contestant:
 Louis
 
Stewart White:
 Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
 
Contestant:
 Frank Sinatra?
 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
 
Alex Trelinski:
 What is the capital of Italy ?
 
Contestant:
 France .
 
Trelinski:
 France is another country. Try again.
 
Contestant:
 Oh, um, Benidorm.
 
Trelinski:
 Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
 
Contestant:
 Sorry, I don't know.
 
Trelinski:
 Just guess a country then.
 
Contestant:
 Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
 
Anne Robinson:
 Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
 
Contestant:
 The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
 
DJ Mark:
 For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
 
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
 I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
 
Bamber Gascoyne:
 What was Gandhi's first name?
 
Contestant:
 Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
 
Presenter:
 What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO  MANCHESTER )
 
Phil:
 What's 11 squared?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know.
 
Phil:
 I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
 
Contestant:
 Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
 
Contestant:
 Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
 
Contestant:
 Er. .. ..
 
Richard:
 He makes bread . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Er . ....
 
Richard:
 He makes cakes . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
 
Presenter:
 Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
 
Contestant:
 Barcelona .
 
Presenter:
 I was really after the name of a country.
 
Contestant:
 I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
 
Question:
 What is the world's largest continent?
 
Contestant:
 The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
 
Presenter:
 Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
 
Contestant:
 Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
 
Steve Le Fevre:
 What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
 
Contestant:
 Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
 
James O'Brien:
 How many kings of England have been called Henry?
 
Contestant:
 Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
 
Chris Searle:
 In which European country isMount Etna?
 
Caller:
 Japan .
 
Chris Searle:
 I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
 
Caller:
 Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
 
Paul Wappat:
 How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
 
Contestant (long pause):
 Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
 
Daryl Denham:
 In which country would you spend shekels?
 
Contestant:
 Holland ?
 
Daryl Denham:
 Try the next letter of the alphabet.
 
Contestant:
 Iceland ? Ireland ?
 
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
 It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
 
Contestant:
 No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
 
Phil Wood:
 What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
 
Contestant:
 Er. ... ..
 
Phil Wood:
 It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
 
Contestant:
 Blimey?
 
Phil Wood:
 Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
 
Contestant:
 (Silence)
 
Phil Wood:
 OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
 
Contestant:
 Walked?

THE VAULT
 
Melanie Sykes:
 What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
 
Contestant:
 Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
 
Presenter:
 What religion was Guy Fawkes?
 
Contestant:
 Jewish.
 
Presenter:
 That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
 
Wright:
 Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
 
Contestant:
 Jesus.


You have probably seen this one before but its just as funny the second time


After every flight, any airline pilots fill out a flight log form which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, andthen pilots review the flight log and forms before the next flight.

Never let it besaid that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the someots (marked with a "P"),and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an "S").

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. (I love this one)

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200ft per min descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (love this one too!!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Seen on a town road sign in the US of A

Police toilet seat stolen >>>>>>>>Reports on investigation .............................."They have nothing to go on".
If this is a true story COULD this be the next man for Sir Alan?
 
Outside xxxxxxxx Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.   There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and  coaches £5.
 
 This parking attendant worked there for all of  25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum",  said  xxxxxxxx Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......  
 
 "Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...  

 
 "Err no", said xxxxxxx xZoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....  

 
 "Err NO!"

 
 Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated  £400 per day at xxxxxxxx Zoo for the last 25 years